Where It All Began

 

Have you ever had a time in your life where you were just unhappy with the way you look and feel? You know it’s time to make a change but you just don’t know where to start?

That exact moment in my life was after freshman year of college, I stepped on the scale and almost fainted because I was at my highest weight, 225 pounds. At that point I knew things needed to change because I was unhappy with the way I looked and felt. I have always struggled mentally and physically with my weight since I was young. When I was 9 years old, my life turned upside down and I fell into a very dark place. My best friend/mom passed away from breast cancer. I had no idea how to grieve the passing of the most important person in my life at such a young age. So I turned to food as comfort.

Year after year I kept putting on the pounds, not even realizing that I was gaining weight. Clothes shopping was an absolute nightmare, I could never find anything that fit or made me feel good. Kids at school would pick on me. I was losing a sense of who I was and was unhappy. I had sunk into a place where I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or what makes me happy. 

High School came around and I was sick of being the chubby kid. I wanted to be skinny and beautiful like the other girls in my school. I wanted to be able to fit into Hollister clothes and Abercrombie clothes because that’s what all the cool kids wore! Most of all I wanted a boyfriend, one of those high school flings you see in the movies but I always had this idea that boys will never like me if I’m fat. I was unhappy with the way I looked and felt, so I decided it was time for a change. I thought if I can lose weight then I will be happy and I will prove to everyone that I can do this. At that moment I started my weight loss journey for all the wrong reasons.

After my freshman year of college, it mentally killed me to see the scale at 225 pounds because I had made all that progress in losing weight for nothing. This is where things turned worse. I didn’t have my parents making me healthy dinners, I stopped doing Taekwon Do which had become a passion of mine for 10 years, I just didn’t have any guidance. I tried every unhealthy trick in the book because I just wanted the weight gone. I tried crash dieting, I tried only eating salads, I tried cleansing diets, I tried fat loss pills, I tried skipping meals. My friend and I even had this idea that if we limit our food intake during the day… we would have more “calories” for drinks later that night and we wouldn’t be going over our caloric intake. THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER! Please don’t ever do this.

Yes, I did lose weight but it was unhealthy, mentally and physically, but too see the weight fall off felt so good! I eventually started to learn how to eat healthy but I was obsessed with counting my calories and the scale became my best friend. I would even get discouraged if the scale didn’t drop or I would feel an immense amount of guilt if I ate more than 2 slices of pizza. Sometimes this guilt was so heavy I wouldn’t eat for the rest of the day.

It really hit me about 3 years ago, someone who will always have a place in my heart could see this mental struggle I was going through. This person taught me that food is fuel and it’s important to consume your protein, fats and carbs. This person also taught me that it’s OKAY to have a cheat meal or candy or dessert and not feel guilty. I was also surprised with a workout shirt that said “love yourself” and it really hit me right then and there. I thought this journey of losing weight and being skinny would make me happy, but I was way off! A fitness or weight loss journey is about finding yourself, learning to love yourself, being comfortable in your own skin and happiness will follow right behind. Once I learned and accepted this I found a new love for lifting, running, hiking and the value of eating healthy and BEST OF ALL I will eat a whole pizza and not feel guilty 🙂

That being said, I wanted to start a blog to help people live a healthier life style. I don’t want people to have to take the long hard path that I went through to get where I am today. I can finally say I’m happy with my body and who I am. I want to express the value of loving yourself (and continue to remind myself), losing weight for the right reasons, providing my favorite foods, and my love for fitness. I love helping people and seeing them achieve their goals, so why not create a blog! 

in loving memory 
Brenda Marie Wright
March 4, 1963 – February 1, 2003

 

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Lou Sauder says:

    I absolutely loved your blog! So glad you are happy and are helping others. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your mom at such a young age💔. Thanks for sharing Jillian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lou! ❤️❤️

      Like

  2. Mark W Barrett says:

    Great work Jillian!

    Liked by 1 person

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